I was on Facebook when I got up this morning, and the “memory” section popped up. October 5, 2013 was my first clean date. I made it 2 years and a few months before I relapsed. Today, however, I am in a way, thankful for my relapse.
I started out like everyone else, partying here and there, nothing crazy. I didn’t set out to be a drug addict, not at all. I had hopes and dreams and thoughts of where I wanted my life to go. I had a normal childhood. That is what addiction does it sneaks up on you and before you know it, BAM it has you.
I was a functional addict. I held down a full-time professional job. I was a wife, mother, co-owner of a local business. I had a house. I had cars. I had 2 kids. I had a cat. I had friends. I went to school functions. I worked over time at work. I did it all. I had it all. But I was also high almost every single day from 1994 until 2013, minus the times I was pregnant.
I am an upper addict. I liked anything that gave me energy, made me go go go. I thought nobody knew but apparently everyone knew, but nobody would say anything. And even if they did say something, I would deny it, fly off the handle, flip the situation, or act like a total bitch. By 2013 my habit was so bad that I worked only to give all my check to my pill hook up, and still need more. It got so bad that I would take my kids things, pawn them, take money from my husbands bank account without telling him. It was a miserable life.
We ended up losing our home because we got behind on payments in 2013. When we moved I realized my addiction was out of control, and I needed to stop, but I did not know how. I ended up needing surgery, and the plan was formed. After surgery, I would stop using and everyone would just think that I was cranky and sick because of the medicine from post surgery. Yeah… it did not work out that way…. it opened the door for me to take more and more and more and get more out of control and sick than ever.
On October 4, 2013 I sat on the floor in my bathroom, crying. I was tired. I was exhausted of playing the game. I was exhausted from the lying and the thinking about nothing other than getting more pills so I wouldn’t be sick. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I took the remainder of the pain pills I had, and I took the rest of the sleeping pills I had and hoped I wouldn’t wake up the next day. It is extremely hard to say that because I have so much in my life to be grateful for, but that day, that moment, I thought that my children, my husband, my family would be better off without me. I thought that they would be better off without me causing them pain, causing them anguish, embarrassment. Fortunately, I did wake up. I was out of money. I was out of pills. So I started drying out.
2013 was a hard year. We lost our home. Our children were beyond upset. I had major surgery. I ended up taking an early retirement because I couldn’t stay clean and work. I was arrested for not showing up in court for cold check charges I had written the year before to support my habit, that my husband did not know about. My family, friends, children all found out how bad my addiction was. It was absolutely hell.
I went to Narcotics Anonymous and I stayed clean, got my shit together. I was finally a good mom, good wife, good daughter. I started earning back the trust and respect I had lost with my children, my husband, and my family. I thank God that my family, friends, did not give up on me. I worked hard to regain everyone’s trust and repair the damage I had done. It is something that I still work on every single day, and something that I will have to work on for the rest of my life. I can’t undo the past or the things I have done or said, and some days that is very frustrating to me because I hate what I did. I hate the depths my addiction took me to. I can’t change any of it, I know that. All I can do is put my best foot forward every day and take things one second, one minute, one hour, one moment, one day at a time.
October 5, 2013 was my clean date. I stayed clean and true to my recovery until December 2015….but that is a story for another day…..
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